So it may be a mortal sin--arguably the most boring of them all (insert Gwyneth Paltrow's head [here])--but being disorderly apparently has its perks. Listen closely:
I'm poor. Unfortunately, this is nothing new; I just recently took a serious look at my budget instead of living in the land of unicorns and dandelions, where student loans don't have to be paid back. It's a fantastic place, most definitely, but it's just not practical. This makes this story ten times more awesome than what it actually is (which isn't that awesome, but read along anyway). Because of this, I have recently learned to depend on the kindness of others (Stelllla!), and man, do others rock. Turns out being poor is full of useful little tidbits of life lessons. I digress.
Anyway, it's any normal day, and I decide to go to Starbucks. Again, I know what you're thinking,
"Jackie, you just prefaced this with an unnecessary paragraph about you being broke. What gives?"
Relax, mon frere. I had a giftcard. I pick my friends wisely (aka for money-grubbing reasons. And friends that have stashes of giftcards that don't drink coffee. These kinds are the best kinds, regardless of what your parents told you). I get my grahnday iced coffee with nonfat milk and a shot of vanilla and decide upon some reduced-fat coffee cake (read: 107 grams of fat as opposed to 110) because the only foods I have in my house are year-old s'mores Pop Tarts and the brown rice I once soaked my iPod in 7 months ago. Turns out, the former is sort of delicious and the latter, not so much. I proceed to the window where the girl takes my card, swipes it, and makes an exceedingly extensive amount of conversation with me. She eventually hands me my coffee, bids me 'adieu' and I'm all,
"Uhh, bitch. Where my coffee cake be at?"
And she's all,
"Oh, I didn't realize that. May I see your card again?"
And I can't find it, and I can't find it. During this time, she gets impatient with me and goes to get the coffee cake (she was not Hillary Clinton; I would've mentioned this). I still can't find it. When she comes back, I say, "I think this is God telling me I don't need coffee cake today (funny how my new-found half-agnosticism lacks in certain areas of my life)." She leans over, hands me it, and tells me not to worry; I thank her with a very grateful smile, drive off, and see the giftcard two seconds later on the floor.
Summary: I'm awesome. I just scored free coffee cake because I'm disorderly (read: awesome). I will now proceed to use this tactic in other similar useful domains like the Olive Garden, the LaPorte Road Adult Emporium, and the drive-up liquor window on 5th. I will be sure to fill you in on my successes.
PS - The usage of 'all' as a quotative fell out of common usage around something like 1999 to be replaced with 'like' (I might have inverted this), which was, in turn, replaced with 'all like'. Apparently I'm a decade behind major linguistic trends (at least among 'young' people. Or maybe I'm just old.).
Part Deux: OPEN CASTING CALL
ARE YOU HIP?
ARE YOU INTO DEFYING GENDER NORMS?
ARE YOU COOL WITH INNOCENT RELIGIOUS MOCKERY?
DO YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH FREE TIME ON YOUR HANDS?
DO YOU LOVE WEARING WOOL AND SANDALS?
BETTER YET, DO YOU LOVE JESUS?
BETTER STILL, DO YOU LOVE ZOMBIE JESUS?
Before you ask, I'll tell you how this went down:
JK: [discussing Joseph & the Amazing Technocolor Dreamcoat] Man, you guys really need more theme nights.
ES: Tell me about it; those used to be so much fun.
JK: ...Bible Character night.
ES: ...
...
...
I CALL JESUS.
JK: Hold on; this is important: alive Jesus,
dead Jesus,
or resurrected Jesus?
ES: Zombie Jesus.
JK: Asian, female, zombie Jesus.
ES: Facebook event?
JK: ...Documentary.
If interested, please create your own costume and show up in my basement sometime in the next three weeks. Preference given to gingers and cross-gendered roles. Sorry, at this time the role of FEMALE ASIAN ZOMBIE JESUS has already been filled.
Thank you.
PS - None of the aforementioned is intended to be offensive. I, myself, think Jesus was probably the bee's knees.
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